It’s late at night and your phone lights up with a message from a friend who is grieving. Their words are simple but heavy: they’ve just lost someone dear. As you read the message, a wave of helplessness washes over you. What can you say? What can you do? Should you call? Should you give them space?
Walking through the complexities of grief is never easy, especially when it’s not your own but belongs to someone you care about deeply. This isn’t about having all the answers or finding magic words that will erase the pain. It’s about being there, genuinely and compassionately, during one of life’s toughest moments. In this blog, we’ll discuss how to genuinely support a grieving friend. We’ll learn about the subtleties of their pain and how to help without overwhelming them or ourselves.
Understanding the Waves of Grief
First, let’s talk about what grief might look like. It’s not just sadness; it’s a complex mix of emotions that can include anger, guilt, despair, or even relief, all swirling unpredictably. Recognizing that these reactions are normal can help us be better supporters. There’s no ‘right way’ to grieve, and the process isn’t linear. Our role isn’t to steer but to accompany our friend on this journey, however winding the path may be.
What to Do with Your Grieving Friend: Being the Friend They Need
Listen More, Say Less: Often, the best action is simply being there. Listen to their stories, memories, and silences. You may not realize it, but your presence holds immense power.
Lend a Hand: Think of specific ways to help. Drop off dinner, offer to babysit, or handle a chore. Small acts of kindness can be a great comfort when even simple tasks feel overwhelming.
Honour Their Feelings: Allow your friend to feel whatever they’re feeling without judgment. This isn’t the time for silver linings or looking for the bright side.
Stay in Touch: Keep reaching out. Grief doesn’t vanish after the funeral; your grieving friend might need you more in the following weeks and months as reality sets in.
Encourage Care: Gently remind them to take care of themselves. This can be as simple as a walk together, or sitting quietly in a park.
What Not to Do: Avoiding Common Missteps
Skip the Platitudes: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” can feel dismissive. Focus on acknowledging the pain as real and valid.
Avoid Comparisons: Everyone’s grief is unique. Comparing it to someone else’s experience might make your friend feel that you aren’t fully recognizing their grief.
Don’t Rush Them: There’s no timetable for healing. Be patient and avoid pushing them to move on before they’re ready.
Keep the Focus Appropriate: This is their time to grieve. Only share your own losses if it’s really helpful and they ask for it.
Stick Around: Don’t drift away as time passes. Continue to check in and offer your companionship.
Communication is Key
Really Listen: When they do talk, listen with your whole heart. This isn’t about finding solutions, it’s about bearing witness to their grief.
Be Specific in Your Offers: Instead of “Call me if you need anything,” say “I’m free Wednesday to help around the house. Does that work?”
Respect Their Space: If they need solitude, honour that. Let them lead the way in how much contact feels right.
Choose Words with Care: Speak with kindness and empathy, avoiding clichés that can hurt more than they heal.
Validate Their Emotions: It’s okay to acknowledge the pain and the loss. Saying something like, “I’m truly sorry you’re going through this,” acknowledges the reality of their pain.
Caring for Yourself Too
Supporting someone in deep sorrow can take a toll. Remember to look after yourself, too. Set boundaries, seek support from other friends, and make time for your own healing. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
You’re Not Alone
Every act of kindness you offer your friend is a step towards healing, even if it doesn’t feel like it immediately. By just trying to be a good friend, you’re doing more than enough. Let’s keep supporting each other with compassion and patience, one day at a time.
If you or someone you know is navigating the challenging waters of grief, remember, you don’t have to do it alone. Stone Silo is dedicated to assisting those on their journey through the death of a loved one, offering a compassionate space to find support and understanding. Our grief therapists are ready to help anyone navigate these complex, and sometimes confusing, feelings. Contact us, and let us help you and your loved ones find the way forward together.
